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The Five Gamers
Real Men, Thespians, Brains, Loonies, & Munchkins

Written by Bryant Berggren, with Erol K. Bayburt and Bryce Berggren. Adapted from Real Men, Real Roleplayers, Loonies, and Munchkins by Jeff Okamoto, Sandy Petersen, Perry Caro, Chris Guthrie, Rick Heli, Robert Allen, Ken Kaufman, et al.

Our Subjects

The Real Man

The tough macho type who walks up to the attacking dragon and orders it to leave before he gets hurt.

The Thespian

The melodramatic type who writes novel-length character histories and talks to every monster in the dungeon.

The Brain

The mad genius who actually manages to disarm the six skull trap.

The Loony

The wild & crazy guy who will do anything for a cheap laugh, including casting a fireball at ground zero.

The Munchkin

Need we say more?

Relationships

On Real Men ...

• Real Men think they're brothers in arms.
• Thespians hide behind them.
• Brains consider them a valuable resource.
• Loonies harass them with stupid suggestions.
• Munchkins say ``I'm a Real Man, too!''

On Thespians ...

• Real Men wish they would stay out of the way when it's clobberin' time.
• Thespians sigh with relief to know they're not alone, and then get their characters involved in love affairs and death feuds.
• Brains mistake them for Real Men, Loonies, or other Brains.
• Loonies harass them with stupid suggestions.
• Munchkins say "I'm a Thespian, too!"

On Brains ...

• Real Men protect them, on the off-chance they may come up with something useful.
• Thespians do their best to work in some dialogue between their "machine cycles".
• Brains form a think-tank, to happily argue over every possibilty of action.
• Loonies harass them with stupid suggestions.
• Munchkins say, "I'm a Brain, too!" and then get lost when the Brain explains the plan.

On Loonies ...

• Real Men ignore them.
• Thespians conscript them as comic relief sidekicks.
• Brains sometimes annoy them by taking a stupid suggestion and making it work.
• Loonies declare a pie fight at 20 paces ... and cheat.
• Munchkins try to imitate the jokes, and fall flat.

On Munchkins ...

• Real Men attack them on sight.
• Thespians embarrass them in front of the NPCs.
• Brains treat them as imitation disposable Real Men.
• Loonies make reasonable-sounding suggestions that will get the Munchkin killed in an amusing way.
• Munchkins ask, "What's a Munchkin?"

General Information

Favorite Fantasy RPG

• Real Men play Warhammer.
• Thespians play Ars Magica.
• Brains play Rolemaster.
• Loonies play Toon.
• Munchkins play the latest from T$R.

Favorite Science Fiction RPG

• Real Men play Battlelords of the 25th Century.
• Thespians play Star Wars.
• Brains play Traveller.
• Loonies play a Spawn of Fashan variant.
• Munchkins would play the latest from T$R, but they don't stay in print long enough to buy.

Favorite Horror/Occult RPG

• Real Men play Werewolf: The Apocalypse.
• Thespians play Call of Cthulhu.
• Brains play Bureau 13.
• Loonies play a distant Spawn of Fashan variant.
• Munchkins play Ravenloft.

Favorite Superheroic RPG

• Real Men play Champions: The New Millenium.
• Thespians play DC Heroes.
• Brains play Champions.
• Loonies play an extremely distant Spawn of Fashan variant.
• Munchkins play Birthright.

Favorite Post-Holocaust RPG

• Real Men play Twilight 2000.
• Thespians play Gamma World.
• Brains play The Morrow Project.
• Loonies play an extremely unrecognizable Spawn of Fashan variant.
• Munchkins play Darksun.

Favorite Cyberpunk RPG

• Real Men play Cyberpunk 2020
• Thespians play Shadowrun
• Brains play GURPS Cyberpunk
• Loonies play a Spawn of Fashan variant so variant it shouldn't be called "Spawn of Fashan" anymore.
• Munchkins play Planescape.

Favorite Silly RPG

• Real Men play Macho Women With Guns.
• Thespians play Tales of the Floating Vagabond.
• Brains play Ghostbusters, International.
• Loonies make every game silly.
• Munchkins don't like silly RPGs.

Favorite Generic System

• Real Men use the HERO system.
• Thespians take a vote, then ignore the mechanics.
• Brains use the GURPS system.
• Loonies use the TWERPS system.
• Munchkins use the AD&D system.

Favorite Metaversal System

• Real Men play Feng Shui.
• Thespians play TORG.
• Brains play Fringeworthy.
• Loonies play Tales from the Floating Vagabond.
• Munchkins play Spelljammer.

Favorite Kind of Elves

• Real Men like J.R.R. Tolkien's Noldor elves.
• Thespians like Shadowrun elf posers.
• Brains like half-elves of any kind.
• Loonies like Santa's elves.
• Munchkins like storm giants with pointed ears.

Favorite Kind of Dwarves

• Real Men like Warhammer Fantasy's Trollslayers.
• Thespians like Dragonlance dwarves.
• Brains like Castle Falkenstein dwarves.
• Loonies like the Seven Dwarves
• Munchkins like earth elementals with beards.

Favorite Kind of Orks

• Real Men like Warhammer Orks.
• Thespians like half-orcs of any kind.
• Brains like Arduin Uruk-Hai
• Loonies like Cyrano de Bergerorc.
• Munchkins like Orcus.

Favorite Food when Adventuring

• Real Men eat steaks, preferably venison and bear they hunted themselves.
• Thespians eat gourmet meals and get finicky when they can't get them.
• Brains eat iron rations to supplement the roots and berries they gathered in the wilderness.
• Loonies eat Froot Loops and Gummi Bears.
• Munchkins eat burgers, fries, and milkshakes.

Favorite Fantasy Author

• Real Men read Fritz Lieber & Robert Howard.
• Thespians read David Eddings & Terry Brooks.
• Brains read Ursula Leguin & Robert Jordan.
• Loonies read Piers Anthony & Robert Asprin.
• Munchkins read E. Gary Gygax.

Favorite Science Fiction Author

• Real Men read David Drake and Gordon R. Dickson.
• Thespians read Lois McMaster Bujold & Walter Jon Williams.
• Brains read Isaac Asimov and Arthur C. Clarke.
• Loonies read Douglas Adams and Phil Foglio.
• Munchkins read the Descent documentation after they get stuck.

Favorite Anime Features

• Real Men watch Demon City Shinjuku and Riding Bean.
• Thespians watch Iczer-1 and 8-Man After.
• Brains watch Gundam War and Aura Battler Dunbine.
• Loonies watch Ranma 1/2, then recommend Legend of the Overfiend to others.
• Munchkinswatch USA's "Action Extreme Team".

Favorite Gaming Magazine

• Real Men read Troll.
• Thespians read SHADIS.
• Brains read Pyramid.
• Loonies read Knights of the Dinner Table.
• Munchkins read anything by TSR.

Favorite (Mundie) Magazine

• Real Men read Soldier of Fortune and argue about whether the ads are real.
• Thespians read Newsweek and argue about whether contriversial social issues can be used in gaming.
• Brains read Scientific American and argue about the real state of social progress.
• Loonies read National Lampoon and argue about how it's gone downhill.
• Munchkins read Archie comics and argue about whether Betty's cuter than Veronica.

Favorite Bar to Hang Out In

• Real Men hang out at the Vulgar Unicorn.
• Thespians hang out at Aces High.
• Brains hang out at Renaissance coffeehouses.
• Loonies hang out at Milliways.
• Munchkins hang out wherever they don't get carded.

Favorite Superhero

• Real Men like the Hulk or Spawn.
• Thespians like Spiderman or the Flash.
• Brains like Iron Man or Batman.
• Loonies like the Tick or Ambush Bug.
• Munchkins like Galactus or the Composite Superman.

Favorite Modern Weapon

• Real Men use .44 Magnums and CAWS shotguns.
• Thespians use Walther PPKs in snap holsters.
• Brains use Glocks (or kit-bash zipguns).
• Loonies use water pistols.
• Munchkins use shoulder-mounted Nimitzes.

Favorite Modern Action Hero

• Real Men like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
• Thespians like Bruce Willis.
• Brains like MacGyver.
• Loonies Loonies like Bugs Bunny.
• Munchkins like the Predator.

Favorite Heartthrob / Sweetheart

• Real (Wo)Men like Brad Pitt / Cindy Crawford.
• Thespians like Brendan Frasier / Gillian Anderson.
• Brains like Liam Neeson / Jodie Foster.
• Loonies like Cosmo Kramer / Judy Tenuta.
• Munchkins don't really know about sex.

Favorite Actor to play James Bond

• Real Men like Pierce Brosnan.
• Thespians like Sean Connery.
• Brains like to read the books.
• Loonies like David Niven.
• Munchkins like James Bond, Jr.

Favorite Card Game

• Real Men play Stud Poker.
• Thespians play Baccarat.
• Brains play Bridge.
• Loonies play Fizzbin.
• Munchkins play Magic: The Gathering.

Favorite Music

• Real Men listen to Metallica or Manowar.
• Thespians listen to anything they can get their hands on.
• Brains listen to Mozart, Beethoven, and Bach.
• Loonies listen to Weird Al Yankovic.
• Munchkins watch MTV

Favorite Convention Activity

• Real Men ogle miniatures in the dealer's room.
• Thespians go to seminars, and hold pickup games in their hotel rooms.
• Brains win the convention tournaments, then go argue with game designers in the dealer's room.
• Loonies play video games and do hoax zines.
• Munchkins run around shouting, cut in lines, and hit on the female gamers.

Favorite Type of Dice

• Real Men roll d20s.
• Thespians roll 3d6.
• Brains roll d%.
• Loonies roll d30s, for everything.
• Munchkins roll them all, as much as possible.

  Nobody likes d4s. Not even Loonies.

Favorite Attack Style

• Real Men shout a warcry, and wade into battle.
• Thespians parry and riposte while protecting their comrade's backs.
• Brains fall back and regroup to plan a counterstrike.
• Loonies throw sword at opponent, then attack with scabbard and lunchbox.
• Munchkins leap in with secret 'twisted lotus' ninja decapitation strike.

Favorite Way to Die

• Real Men: In battle, with boots on, going down swinging.
• Thespians: Heroically going to executioner's block, after lengthy dramatic farewell speech.
• Brains: Mysteriously, with no body found, so as to leave an intriguing possibility of return.
• Loonies: Chased off a cliff by naked women in football helmets.
• Munchkins: Die? You're kidding, right?

Favorite Castle

• Real Men: Castle Camelot
• Thespians: Castle Perilous
• Brains: Castle Orthanc
• Loonies: White Castle
• Munchkins: Valhalla (after kicking out previous occupants)

Favorite TOON Character

• Real Men play Carnivores.
• Thespians play Herbivores.
• Brains play Humanoids.
• Loonies play Richard Nixon.
• Munchkins attempt to take advantage of loop-holes to build a powerful character.

Dungeons & Dragons

Capsule Opinion

• Real Men play it for the hit-point heavy characters.
• Thespians play it for the sense of nostalgia.
• Brains play it for those intricately devised trick dungeon modules.
• Loonies play it because they know they can get everyone else to.
• Munchkins play it because they don't know any other games.

Favorite Published Setting

• Real Men adventure in Dark Sun.
• Thespians adventure in Talislanta.
• Brains adventure in The Forgotten Realms.
• Loonies adventure in the world of Snarfquest
• Munchkins adventure wherever has the most treasure.

Favorite Dungeon Activity

• Real Men fight red dragons.
• Thespians befriend the goblins' slaves.
• Brains swap riddles with sphinxes.
• Loonies tell dirty jokes to green slime.
• Munchkins do whatever gives them the most experience points.

Favorite Melee Weapon

• Real Men wield bastard swords and battleaxes.
• Thespians wield rapiers and main-gauches.
• Brains wield staves, clubs, and polearms.
• Loonies wield stage knives.
• Munchkins wield whatever gives the most plusses.

Favorite Thrown Weapon

• Real Men throw spears.
• Thespians throw bolas.
• Brains throw knives.
• Loonies throw their friends' magic items.
• Munchkins throw whatever gives the most plusses.

Favorite Missile Weapon

• Real Men shoot longbows.
• Thespians carry arquebuses, so as to spend more time fooling with them than shooting.
• Brains shoot crossbows.
• Loonies shoot catapults loaded with offal.
• Munchkins shoot whatever gives the most plusses.

Favorite Barroom Weapon

• Real Men use their bare hands and whole tables.
• Thespians use the other characters for cover.
• Brains use table legs and chairs.
• Loonies use plastic pepsi bottles or toothpaste.
• Munchkins use whatever gives the most plusses.

Favorite Improvised Thrown Weapons

• Real Men throw Munchkins (can you blame them?)
• Thespians throw beer mugs (when they can't take cover).
• Brains throw the beer (to blind).
• Loonies throw Nerf frisbees.
• Munchkins are too busy running from the Real Men.

Favorite Armor

• Real Men wear plate mail (if they can't afford field plate).
• Thespians wear studded leather (if they can't afford to go without).
• Brains wear leather (if they can't afford elven chainmail).
• Loonies wear horse barding (if they can't afford a horse).
• Munchkins wear Starship Trooper powered armor (if they can't afford the invulnerable coat of Arnd).

Favorite Shield

• Real Men don't use shields (can't wield a two-handed weapon)
• Thespians use bucklers.
• Brains use kite or heater shields.
• Loonies use a panty shield.
• Munchkins don't get the previous joke.

Favorite Mundane Mount

• Real Men ride heavy war horses.
• Thespians ride palfreys (with horse traits).
• Brains ride superbly trained Lippenhanzers.
• Loonies ride sheep.
• Munchkins ride heavy war tyrannosauri.

Favorite Special Mount

• Real Men ride griffons.
• Thespians ride unicorns.
• Brains ride pegasi.
• Loonies ride special sheep.
• Munchkins ride Sleipnir.

Favorite Familiar

• Real Men have dogs. Big dogs.
• Thespians have ravens or black cats.
• Brains have owls and ferrets.
• Loonies have slugs and gully dwarves
• Munchkins have whatever gives the most plusses.

Favorite Specialist Mages

• Real Men play evokers or transmuters (if they have to play a wizard).
• Thespians play diviners, abjurers, and necromancers (because no one else will).
• Brains play conjurers and illusionists.
• Loonies play wild mages. Duh.
• Munchkins a multi-classed abjurer / conjurer / diviner / enchanter / illusionist / invoker / necromancer / transmuter.

Favorite Wizard Spell

• Real Men cast fireball and lightning bolt.
• Thespians cast cantrip to impress primitives.
• Brains cast any detect spell to stay forewarned.
• Loonies cast Otto's irresistible nosepicking.
• Munchkins cast smite ruler and transfer populace loyalties.

Favorite Priest Spell

• Real Men cast call lightning.
• Thespians cast commune.
• Brains cast heal.
• Loonies cast excommunication on the other party members.
• Munchkins cast summon deity.

Favorite Psionic Discipline

• Real Men use body weaponry
• Thespians use probability travel.
• Brains use probe.
• Loonies use telephone fraud.
• Munchkins use Scanners style cranial detonation.

Favorite Alignment

• Real Men are Lawful Good.
• Thespians don't use alignment.
• Brains are Neutral with Good tendencies.
• Loonies are Amoral Silly (oh, you meant the character ...).
• Munchkins are whatever gives the most plusses.

Favorite Religious-type Character

• Real Men play Paladins
• Thespians play Priests of Specific Mythoi
• Brains multiclassed Clerics
• Loonies play Televangelists
• Munchkins play Demigods

Favorite Non-Human PC

• Real Men play dwarves.
• Thespians play custom races (like lizardmen or centaurs).
• Brains play elves.
• Loonies play a dwarf-elf halfbreed.
• Munchkins play deities.

Favorite Way of Extracting Information from the Goblins

• Real Men beat it out of them.
• Thespians pretend to be evil too, so they can pump them in conversation.
• Brains threaten to cast speak with dead (think about it).
• Loonies tell bad puns to them until they crack.
• Munchkins peek behind the GM's shield.

Favorite Demon/Devil

• Real Men like balrogs.
• Thespians like Alu-Demons.
• Brains like Imps and Quasits.
• Loonies like Spiro Agnew
• Munchkins like whatever gives the most XP.

Favorite Mythology

• Real Men like Norse myths.
• Thespians like Celtic myths (because of its connections to Arthurian legend)
• Brains like Greek myths.
• Loonies like Scientology.
• Munchkins like their past adventures.

Favorite Norse Deity

• Real Men worship Thor
• Thespians worship Frey
• Brains worship Odin
• Loonies worship Olaf & Lena
• Munchkins worship whoever gives the most plusses.

Favorite Greek/Roman Deity

• Real Men worship Mars or Hercules
• Thespians worship Apollo or Aphrodite
• Brains worship Athena or Hermes
• Loonies worship George Hamilton
• Munchkins worship whoever gives the most plusses

Favorite Forgotten Realms Deity

• Real Men worship Tyr and Torm.
• Thespians worship Ilmatar or Shar.
• Brains worship Ogmha or Gond.
• Loonies worship Elminster -- personally.
• Munchkins worship whoever gives the most plusses.

Favorite Greyhawk Deity

• Real Men worship Heironeous or Hextor.
• Thespians worship Olidammara or Trithereon.
• Brains worship St. Cuthbert or Boccob.
• Loonies worship Zagyg.
• Munchkins worship Gary Gygax.

Favorite Miscellaneous Magic Item

• Real Men love Girdles of Giant Strength.
• Thespians love the Bag of Tricks.
• Brains love Heward's Handy Haversack.
• Loonies love Pinochle Decks of Many Things.
• Munchkins love the Hand of Vecna or Iron Flasks with gods in them.

Favorite Potion

• Real Men quaff potions of giant strength or superheroism.
• Thespians quaff potions of animal control or plant control.
• Brains quaff potions of healing and longevity.
• Loonies quaff potions of JELL-O.
• Munchkins quaff potions of deity control.

Favorite Ring

• Real Men wear rings of elemental control
• Thespians wear rings of spell turning or free action.
• Brains wear rings of regeneration or invisibility.
• Loonies wear rings of smurf control.
• Munchkins wear the One Ring.

Favorite Stick (Rod/Staff/Wand)

• Real Men use rods of lordly might.
• Thespians use serpent staves.
• Brains use staves of the magi.
• Loonies use wands of wonder, for everything.
• Munchkins use rods of Orcus.

When they encounter a sleeping dragon ...

• Real Men wake it up and then attack it.
• Thespians sneak away quietly.
• Brains stage a brilliant ambush, and plan several escape routes.
• Loonies tie its shoelaces together.
• Munchkins have their 34th-level thief backstab it with their +12 hackmaster, and then put all its treasure in one backpack and walk away.

Favorite Town Activity

• Real Men drink ale in the tavern and start bar fights.
• Thespians drink wine in the tavern and fish for the latest gossip.
• Brains drink small beer in the tavern, then inspect the rooms for security.
• Loonies order watermelon daquiris and start food fights.
• Munchkins ask "What's a town?".

Science Fiction

Favorite Science Fiction Weapon

• Real Men use blasters and light sabers
• Thespians use archaic weapons to be stylish.
• Brains use stun guns and tangler grenades.
• Loonies use the wiggly-rays and light grenades from Mom and Dad Save The Earth.
• Munchkins use whatever gives the most plusses.

Favorite Method of Handling Aliens

• Real Men drive off the Bug-Eyed Monsters invading the Earth
• Thespians negotiate with the refugees from the evil Empire
• Brains discover the enigmatic enemies' biological Achilles heel.
• Loonies hitch a ride with Vogons.
• Munchkins invade the BEMs' home planet and enslave them all.

Favorite Science Fiction Movie

• Real Men watch Independence Day.
• Thespians watch Planet of the Apes.
• Brains watch 2001: A Space Odyssey.
• Loonies watch Mystery Science Theatre 3000.
• Munchkins watch Sci-Fi Channel Originals.

  Everyone watches Star Wars.

Reason To Watch Star Wars

• Real Men watch it for the light-saber duels and dogfights.
• Thespians watch it for the Jedi philosophy.
• Brains watch it to nitpick the science flaws like sound in space.
• Loonies watch it for the Canteena aliens.
• Munchkins watch it to learn the Darth Vader Neck Pinch (aka Force choke).

Favorite Method of Space Travel

• Real Men use Bussard Ramjets
• Thespians use hyperspace drives.
• Brains use cryogenic sublight ships.
• Loonies use the Infinite Improbability Drive
• Munchkins push the button and it goes.

Favorite Monster

• Real Men like the Predator.
• Thespians like the Thing from Another Planet.
• Brains like the Moties.
• Loonies like the beach ball from Dark Star.
• Munchkins like E.T.

Favorite Variant Human

• Real Men play Heavy Worlders
• Thespians play Belters.
• Brains play Gengineered Humans.
• Loonies play Pleasure Drones.
• Munchkins play rogue Paq Protectors.

Call of Cthulhu

Capsule Opinion

• Real Men love the challenge of fighting the creatures.
• Thespians love the challenge of reacting to the creatures.
• Brains love the challenge of avoiding the creatures.
• Loonies love the challenge of going insane as soon as possible.
• Munchkins think you should be able to play Great Old Ones.

Favorite Skill

• Real Men like Shotgun.
• Thespians like Mythos Knowledge -- but just a touch.
• Brains like Library Use.
• Loonies like Head Butt.
• Munchkins like Credit Rating.

Favorite Spell

• Real Men don't believe in magic
• Thespians believe in magic, and know enough not to use it.
• Brains cast Elder Sign
• Loonies cast Summon Smurf
• Munchkins cast Control Cthulhu

Favorite Monster

• Real Men like Deep Ones.
• Thespians don't like any of them.
• Brains like Nightgaunts (they don't kill you).
• Loonies like Masters of the Universe Slime.
• Munchkins like Cthulhu, for a pet.

Favorite Type of Character to Play

• Real Men play Private Investigators.
• Thespians play Dilettantes.
• Brains play Professors of Archaeology.
• Loonies play Red Indian Sex Maniacs.
• Munchkins play Magic-Users.

Paranoia

Capsule Opinion

• Real Men think the weapons are OK, but hate the background.
• Thespians think the campaigns are too short.
• Brains think the game is pointlessly deadly.
• Loonies think the game isn't funny enough.
• Munchkins don't think the game is supposed to be funny.

Favorite Service Group

• Real Men like Armed Forces.
• Thespians like CPU.
• Brains like Tech Services.
• Loonies like R&D.
• Munchkins like IntSec.

Favorite Secret Society

• Real Men like PURGE.
• Thespians like Free Enterprise and Sierra Club.
• Brains like Anti-Mutant and Frankenstein Destroyers.
• Loonies like Corpore Metal and Mystics.
• Munchkins like Psion.

Favorite Mutant Power

• Real Men like Adrenalin Control.
• Thespians like Hypersenses.
• Brains like Machine Intuition.
• Loonies like Project Total Chaos.
• Munchkins like characters with the works.

Favorite Weapon

• Real Men like cone rifles.
• Thespians like laser pistols.
• Brains like gear gleaned from Outdoors.
• Loonies like chainsaws.
• Munchkins like Plasma Generators.

Favorite Target

• Real Men shoot Commie Mutant Traitors.
• Thespians shoot the Loyalty Officer to increase their survival chances.
• Brains shoot the Munchkins' characters.
• Loonies shoot anything fragile-looking.
• Munchkins shoot anything in sight, starting with the other PCs.

Favorite Mission

• Real Men like to hunt down Commie Mutant Traitors.
• Thespians like to try to survive the briefing.
• Brains like to explore Outdoors.
• Loonies like to place themselves under surveillance and report hourly.
• Munchkins like to attack a rival Alpha Complex.

Champions

Capsule Opinion

• Real Men think this is how the world should be.
• Thespians think there's too much combat.
• Brains think there's too many bases to cover in character creation.
• Loonies think it's a great system for simulating reality.
• Munchkins think starting characters don't have enough points.

Favorite Character Type

• Real Men like Bricks.
• Thespians like Brooding Vigilantes.
• Brains like Gadgeteers.
• Loonies like Cream-Puff Projectors.
• Munchkins like the character suggestions in the "Powergamer" section.

Favorite Power

• Real Men like Armor
• Thespians like Telepathy.
• Brains like Telekinesis.
• Loonies like Instant Change, Usable Against Others.
• Munchkins like all of them at the campaign maximum.

Favorite Attribute

• Real Men like STR 20+
• Thespians like PRE 20+
• Brains like DEX 20+
• Loonies like COM 20+
• Munchkins like SPD 20+

Favorite Skill

• Real Men like Combat Skill Levels, Martial Arts, and Weapon Familiarities.
• Thespians like Background Skills of all kinds.
• Brains like Inventor, Paramedic, and Breakfall.
• Loonies like Ventriloquism and Sleight of Hand.
• Munchkins like Overall Skill Levels, bought through a Focus.

Favorite Talent

• Real Men like Combat Sense and Defense Maneuver.
• Thespians like Absolute Time, Bump of Direction, and Perfect Pitch
• Brains like Lightning Calculator and Universal Translator
• Loonies like Immunity to Alchohol.
• Munchkins like Find Weakness, bought through Focus.

Favorite Perk

• Real Men like Vehicles.
• Thespians like Contacts -- lots of Contacts.
• Brains like Wealth and Fringe Benefits.
• Loonies like Base, concealed in George Washington's nostril at Mt. Rushmore.
• Munchkins like 4.5 billion Followers, bought through a Focus.

Favorite Disadvantage

• Real Men like Enraged.
• Thespians like Psychological Limitations.
• Brains like Hunteds.
• Loonies like Dependency on Spinach Egg Noodles.
• Munchkins like Reputation: Bad-Ass 14- extreme

Favorite Power Limitation

• Real Men like Increased END.
• Thespians like Incantations and Gestures.
• Brains like Focus and Requires Skill Roll.
• Loonies like No Conscious Control.
• Munchkins like IIF, Independent.

Favorite Villain to Face

• Real Men want to defeat Dr. Destroyer.
• Thespians want to defeat Black Paladin.
• Brains want to defeat Utility.
• Loonies want to defeat Foxbat, at Aspen.
• Munchkins want to defeat Tyrannon (all at once).

Favorite Villain Team to Face

• Real Men want to defeat Eurostar.
• Thespians want to defeat the mind-controlled Protectors.
• Brains want to defeat PSI.
• Loonies want to defeat the Gweenies.
• Munchkins want to defeat the other PCs.

Tactics in Hostage Situations

• Real Men demonstrate what'll happen to villians who injure hostages.
• Thespians engage in tense negotiations to stall for time.
• Brains stage an illusion of the hostages getting away.
• Loonies taunt the villians.
• Munchkins waste the villians with their 10d6 Autofire Armor-Piercing Ranged Killing Attack, and use Regeneration Usable by Others to heal the injured bystanders.

GURPS

Capsule Opinion

• Real Men think there aren't enough combats.
• Thespians think there aren't enough supplements.
• Brains think there aren't enough sidebars.
• Loonies think there aren't enough disadvantages.
• Munchkins think there aren't enough hit points.

Favorite Advantages

• Real Men like Combat Reflexes, High Pain Threshold and Toughness.
• Thespians like Charisma, Empathy, and Voice.
• Brains like Lightning Calculator, Unfazeable, and Common Sense (not that they need it).
• Loonies like Luck, Absolute Timing and Unusual Background.
• Munchkins like Magery 3, Patron (Superman), and PK (80).

Favorite Disadvantages

• Real Men like Gigantism and Berserk
• Thespians like Quirks.
• Brains like Age and Pacifism
• Loonies like Odious Personal Habits and Jinxed.
• Munchkins like Enemies and Dependents (for the points).

Favorite Skills

• Real Men like Brawling, Two-Handed Sword, Broadsword and Shield.
• Thespians like Acting, Bard, Diplomacy, Fast-Talk, Merchant, Savoir-Faire and Streetwise.
• Brains like as many as possible at 1/2 point apiece.
• Loonies like to use all skills at a default level of 5.
• Munchkins like Fast-Talk GM and Whine.

Favorite Spell

• Real Men don't use magic, but will let a mage cast Hawk Flight on them so they can pursue the foe.
• Thespians cast Lend Language on the strangers they meet.
• Brains use the Improvised Magic rules.
• Loonies cast Mystic Mist in the town square.
• Munchkins cast Enslave on the city guard.

Favorite Supplement

• Real Men like Horseclans, Wild West, and Special Ops.
• Thespians like Mecha, Horror, and Illuminati.
• Brains like Space, Ultra-Tech, and Time Travel.
• Loonies like IOU and Goblins.
• Munchkins like Fantasy, Supers, and Autoduel -- in the same game.

Rewrite Most Wanted

• Real Men want an update for GURPS High Tech.
• Thespians want a real GURPS Supers.
• Brains want a broader GURPS Fantasy.
• Loonies want GURPS Toon.
• Munchkins want GURPS War of the Cthorr to include rules for Cthorr PCs.

Villains & Vigilantes

Capsule Opinion

• Real Men dislike the Superhero Code enforced by the government.
• Thespians get bored playing themselves all the time.
• Brains enjoy the implicit invitation to rewrite the rules.
• Loonies try to represent themselves at their trials.
• Munchkins are above the Superhero Code (aren't they?)

Favorite Character Type

• Real Men play 600 pound Bricks.
• Thespians play telepaths.
• Brains play gadgeteers
• Loonies play insane androids.
• Munchkins play alien sorcerers.

Favorite Power

• Real Men like Invulnerability and Armor A.
• Thespians like Psionics.
• Brains like Armor B and Animal Powers.
• Loonies like Mutant Power.
• Munchkins like Power Absorption.

Favorite Ability Score

• Real Men like Endurance.
• Thespians like Intelligence
• Brains like Inventor points.
• Loonies like Charisma.
• Munchkins like Agility.

Favorite Weakness

• Real Men like Mute.
• Thespians like Physical Handicap.
• Brains like Reduced Charisma
• Loonies like Psychosis.
• Munchkins What weaknesses?

Favorite Battle Tactics

• Real Men pound villains into the ground or throw buses.
• Thespians wear their opponents down before finishing them off.
• Brains prey on their opponents' mandatory weakness.
• Loonies dump a bucket of Cool Whip on a villain's head and talk about Planet of the Apes.
• Munchkins negate their friend's attacks so they get all the experience themselves.

Favorite Combat Maneuver

• Real Men like the Fastball Special.
• Thespians like to trick villains into attacking each other instead of the heroes.
• Brains like to sneak around and attack from surprise.
• Loonies like multiple Back Attacks.
• Munchkins like multiple Weakness Detection.

Favorite Member of the Crushers

• Real Men like Mace.
• Thespians like Shocker.
• Brains like Marionette.
• Loonies like Mocker.
• Munchkins like Temper.

Favorite Member of the Crusaders

• Real Men like Enforcer.
• Thespians like Dreamweaver.
• Brains like Manta Man
• Loonies like Blizzard.
• Munchkins think the Crusaders are wimps.

DC Heroes

Capsule Opinion

• Real Men can't believe how underpowered all the weapons are.
• Thespians like the explicit rules on and bonuses for running Subplots.
• Brains dislike the abstracted mathematics.
• Loonies like the stats for the Zoo Crew they downloaded from the 'Net.
• Munchkins can't believe what a wimp Doomsday is.

Favorite Attribute

• Real Men like STR.
• Thespians like INFL.
• Brains like INT.
• Loonies like SPIRIT.
• Munchkins like all of them at 40 APs

Favorite Power

• Real Men like Invulnerability.
• Thespians like Awareness.
• Brains like Danger Sense.
• Loonies like Dumb Luck.
• Munchkins like all of them at 40 APs.

Favorite Multi-Purpose Power

• Real Men like Force Manipulation.
• Thespians like Sorcery.
• Brains like Omni-Gadgets.
• Loonies like Omni-Arm and Self-Linked Mutation.
• Munchkins already have all the Powers at 40 APs.

Favorite Skill

• Real Men like Martial Arts and Weaponry(Exotic).
• Thespians like Charisma and Occultism.
• Brains like Scientist, Detective, and Gadgetry.
• Loonies like Artist(Dancer) and Thief(Forgery).
• Munchkins don't know why you'd want Skills when you can have Powers.

Favorite Advantage

• Real Men like Lightning Reflexes.
• Thespians like Omni-Connection.
• Brains like Scholar.
• Loonies like the other PCs as Pets.
• Munchkins like Buddy: Yuga Khan.

Favorite Drawback

• Real Men like Mistrust and Rage.
• Thespians like Irrational Attractions and Traumatic Flashbacks.
• Brains like Vulnerabilities and Secret ID.
• Loonies like Strange Appearance and Psychological Instability.
• Munchkins never take Drawbacks.

Favorite Motivation

• Real Men like Seeking Justice.
• Thespians like Unwanted Power.
• Brains like Upholding the Good.
• Loonies like Thrill of Adventure.
• Munchkins don't take a Motivation since there's no game effect.

Favorite Subplot Type

• Real Men like Enemies Subplots.
• Thespians like Romantic Subplots.
• Brains like Power Complication Subplots.
• Loonies like meddling with other PCs' Subplots.
• Munchkins like Apotheosis Subplots.

Shadowrun

Capsule Opinion

• Real Men like the fact that you can play a Troll with an ammo dump on its back.
• Thespians like the way fantasy influences tinge the oppressive angst with optimism.
• Brains like the various multiple levels of strategic challenges (combat, magic, decking).
• Loonies like the fashion sense.
• Munchkins like the small, easy-to-count numbers.

Favorite Archtype

• Real Men like Street Samurai and Mercenaries.
• Thespians like Shamans and Detectives.
• Brains like Deckers and Combat Mages.
• Loonies like Rockers and Street Kids.
• Munchkins like Insect Shamans.

Favorite Race

• Real Men like Trolls.
• Thespians like Orcs.
• Brains like Elves.
• Loonies like Sasquatch.
• Munchkins like Free Spirits.

Favorite Gun

• Real Men like the Ares Predator II with explosive ammunition.
• Thespians like the Ares Viper with flechette ammunition.
• Brains like the Steyr "kit gun" with standard ammunition.
• Loonies like the Soakmaster 3000 with scented ammunition.
• Munchkins like the Panther Assault Cannon with a 1000 round belt of APDS ammunition.

Favorite Melee Weapon

• Real Men like Combat Axes.
• Thespians like Katanas
• Brains like Shock Clubs.
• Loonies like Monofilament shoelaces
• Munchkins like a Monofilament whip in each finger.

Favorite Cyberwear

• Real Men install Cyberspurs and Dermal Armor.
• Thespians install as little cyberwear as possible.
• Brains install Datajacks, Encephalons, and Skillchips.
• Loonies install voice amplifiers and video editors.
• Munchkins install everything as Betaware.

Favorite Bioware

• Real Men implant Adrenal Pumps and Muscle Augmentation.
• Thespians implant Tailored Pheremones.
• Brains Superthyroid Glands and Cerebral Boosters.
• Loonies implant Toxin Exhalers with garlic extract.
• Munchkins implant everything as Betaware.

Favorite Spell

• Real Men like Increased Strength +4
• Thespians like Analyze Item
• Brains like Personal Combat Sense
• Loonies like Domestic Renewal
• Munchkins like Control Seattle.

Favorite Lifestyle

• Real Men live Street.
• Thespians live Luxury (if they can afford it).
• Brains live Medium.
• Loonies live Squatter.
• Munchkins don't have a life outside the Run.

Favorite Spirit

• Real Men like Earth Elementals.
• Thespians like Watchers.
• Brains like Ally spirits.
• Loonies like the Trolley-Car City Spirit.
• Munchkins like Insect Spirits.

Favorite Critter

• Real Men like Griffons
• Thespians like Dragons
• Brains like Vampires
• Loonies like Smurfs
• Munchkins like Greater Dragons under Cybernetic Control Collars

Favorite Activity

• Real Men fight their way past the corporate stooges of Aztechnology.
• Thespians negotiate fragile arrangements with local organized crime.
• Brains create intricate strategies for cracking the ice on the Fuchi Star.
• Loonies make deals with dragons.
• Munchkins kill all the Big 10 CEOs and confiscate their stock.

Rifts

Capsule Opinion

• Real Men love the multitude of hardcore OCCs.
• Thespians like the game setting and wish it was written deeper, not broader.
• Brains hate having to keep up with all the supplementary material and bad editing.
• Loonies were responsible for the bad editing.
• Munchkins love the fact that they can play Vampires and Dragons.

Favorite (Human) O.C.C.

• Real Men play Full Conversion Borgs, Headhunters, or Glitterboys.
• Thespians play Cyber-Knights, Coalition Officers, or Rogue Scholars
• Brains play Line-Walkers, Techno-Mages, or Wilderness Scouts
• Loonies play Juicers and Crazies (duh!)
• Munchkins play Vampire Juicers (in Glitterboy Armor)

Favorite R.C.C.

• Real Men play Bursters
• Thespians play Dog-Boys
• Brains play Mind Melters
• Loonies play Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
• Munchkins play Servants of Splugorth (in Glitterboy Armor)

Favorite Personal Weapon

• Real Men like NG Ion Blasters and Pump Rifles.
• Thespians like Pre-Rifts archaic weapons (because they're stylish).
• Brains like variable-frequency lasers.
• Loonies like the Wilks Laser Torch.
• Munchkins like Glitterboy Boomguns.

Favorite Heavy Weapon

• Real Men like Railguns (especially Boomguns).
• Thespians like plasma cannons.
• Brains like missiles.
• Loonies like the Wilks Laser Torch.
• Munchkins like shoulder-mounted adult dragons.

Favorite Transportation

• Real Men use Robot Armors.
• Thespians ride animals.
• Brains use four-wheel drive vehicles.
• Loonies ride piggyback.
• Munchkins use Coalition Death's Head Carriers.

Why they fight the Coalition

• Real Men do it to prove their manhood
• Thespians do it to make a difference
• Brains do it because "They said it can't be done".
• Loonies do it to wedgie the Deadboys.
• Munchkins do it so they can replace the Proseks.

Favorite Geographic Zone

• Real Men live in Germany/Northern Gun.
• Thespians live in Chi-Town.
• Brains live in Atlantis or the Vampire Kingdoms.
• Loonies live in Waikiki Beach.
• Munchkins live in Prosek's palace.

Star Trek: The Roleplaying Game

Capsule Opinion

• Real Men like away team action.
• Thespians like meeting strange new life and new civilizations.
• Brains like coming up with rubber science solutions.
• Loonies like conspiring to get their shirts torn off in every adventure.
• Munchkins like all the advantages being on a starship gives you over primitive planets.

Favorite Branch

• Real Men enter Security.
• Thespians enter Command.
• Brains enter Science.
• Loonies enter Cooking.
• Munchkins just give themselves all the skills.

Favorite Skill

• Real Men like Personal Combat, Unarmed.
• Thespians like Negotiation.
• Brains like Sciences, and as many as possible.
• Loonies like Carousing.
• Munchkins just give themselves all the skills.

Favorite Race

• Real Men like Klingons.
• Thespians like Tellarites.
• Brains like Vulcans.
• Loonies like Horta.
• Munchkins like Romulans.

Favorite Original Series Character

• Real Men like James T. Kirk.
• Thespians like Dr. McCoy.
• Brains like Mr. Spock.
• Loonies like the Tribbles.
• Munchkins like Trelane.

Favorite Next Generation Character

• Real Men like Worf.
• Thespians like Picard.
• Brains like Data.
• Loonies like Wesley (no, really!).
• Munchkins like Q.

Favorite Cliche

• Real Men: "To boldly go where no man has gone before!"
• Thespians: "Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations."
• Brains: "It's life, but not as we know it."
• Loonies: "You there, have you ever even kissed a girl?"
• Munchkins: We come in peace, shoot to kill.

Favorite Gear

• Real Men like Phasers.
• Thespians like Communicators (and habitually mime the flip/tap).
• Brains like Tricorders.
• Loonies like Tribbles.
• Munchkins like Redshirts.

TORG

Capsule Opinion

• Real Men are ready for any war, even one as wierd as this.
• Thespians are too busy reading the campaign material to learn the rules.
• Brains love the planning possibilities (no pun intended) of interacting card play.
• Loonies are waiting for the cartoon reality cosm to land.
• Munchkins wonder where the rules on becoming High Lord are.

Favorite Cosms

• Real Men like Tharkold and the Land Below.
• Thespians like Nippon Tech and the Nile Empire.
• Brains like the Cyberpapacy and Aysle.
• Loonies like Core Earth, preferably their own home town.
• Munchkins like the Space Gods realm, since it's the only place their shapeshifting Tharkoldu ninja/mage/priest with psionic powers doesn't cause a contradiction.

Usual Time to Spend a Possibility

• Real Men spend them to reduce damage.
• Thespians spend them to spark tales of Glory.
• Brains spend them to buy new skills.
• Loonies spend them to avoid contradiction with the Humor axiom.
• Munchkins want to spend them on every action, and think the GM is holding back when they run out.

Favorite Cards

• Real Men like Adrenaline, Hero, and Action.
• Thespians like Presence, Connection, and Drama.
• Brains like Willpower, Supporter, and Awareness.
• Loonies like the blank cards. You don't want to know what they put on them.
• Munchkins like Glory cards, since they get to use so many more of them.

Favorite Template (Core Earth)

• Real Men play Soldiers of Fortune and National Heroes.
• Thespians play Doubting Clerics and Tribal Shamans
• Brains play Covert Operatives and Adventurous Scholars.
• Loonies play Inquisitive Stalengers and Dilettantes.
• Munchkins play Delphi Councilors.

Favorite Template (Orrorsh)

• Real Men play Shapeshifters and Regimental Soldiers.
• Thespians play Sacellum Priests and Gaean Gypsies.
• Brains play Vampyre Hunters and Gaean Swamis.
• Loonies play Victorian Lunatics.
• Munchkins can't play in Orrorsh -- they keep losing all their characters to the Power of Corruption.

Favorite Template (Aysle)

• Real Men play Barbarian Warriors and Vikings.
• Thespians play Knights and Elf Monks.
• Brains play Curious Mages and Dwarven Engineers.
• Loonies play Street Thieves and Giant Bruisers.
• Munchkins play Dragons.

Favorite Template (Nile Empire)

• Real Men play Amazons and Tough Heroes.
• Thespians play Mystery Men and Private Detectives.
• Brains play Gadget Heroes and Mathematicians.
• Loonies play Annoying Sidekicks.
• Munchkins play Egyptian Gods.

Favorite Template (Living Land)

• Real Men play Renegade Eidenos.
• Thespians play Stalenger Optants.
• Brains play Core Earth characters.
• Loonies play Benthe if they can get away with it.
• Munchkins play sentient dinosaurs.

Favorite Template (Nippon Tech)

• Real Men play Rijato Armored Warriors.
• Thespians play Priests of Palan.
• Brains play Disgruntled Corporates.
• Loonies play Timmy from the Gamera movies.
• Munchkins play Rijato Armored Ninja CEOs.

Favorite Template (Space Gods)

• Real Men play Lorbaat Warriors.
• Thespians play Coar Council Members.
• Brains play Akite Bioengineers.
• Loonies play Akite Bioengineering.
• Munchkins play the Comaghaz Virus.

Favorite Template (Tharkold)

• Real Men play Race Soldiers.
• Thespians play Demon Scholars.
• Brains play Student Hackers.
• Loonies play Renegade Infilitrators (with really atrocious Austrian accents).
• Munchkins play Tharkoldu Princes.

Favorite Subplot Cards

• Real Men like Nemesis.
• Thespians like Romance (of course).
• Brains like Martyr, because there's a point.
• Loonies like the Campaign card, preferably tossed on another character.
• Munchkins don't understand the concept of Subplot cards, but wasn't it neat when Joe played the Martyr card so he's not a rival anymore?

And finally, the best characterization of the four types of gamers ...

How to Deal with a Dragon

• Real Men slay it. Preferably alone and with bare hands.(is this a trick question or what?)
• Thespians talk to it. Preferably at length, on any number of topics. (This has got to be a trick question, right?)
• Brains trick it out of its treasure, leaving the dragon (and the GM) thinking it got the better deal.
• Loonies try to charm it by scratching it behind the ears.
• Munchkins kill it, make armor out of the hide, and then resurrect it as a familiar.

All names of RPG systems and products are registered trademarks not owned by the author; and use of them is not intended as a either a challenge to those trademarks or a representation of any association between the author and the owners. These trademarks include, but may not be limited to:

• DUNGEONS & DRAGONS, ADVANCED DUNGEONS & DRAGONS, PLANESCAPE, SPELLJAMMER, RAVENLOFT, DARK SUN, GREYHAWK, FORGOTTEN REALMS, and BIRTHRIGHT are registered trademarks of TSR, Inc.
• MAGIC: THE GATHERING is a registered trademark of Wizards of the Coast.
• WEREWOLF: THE APOCALYPSE is a registered trademark of White Wolf Games.
• CALL OF CTHULHU is a registered trademark of Chaosium, Inc.
• WARHAMMER is a registered trademark of Games Workshop.
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• ROLEMASTER is a registered trademark of Iron Crown Enterprises.
• RIFTS is a registered trademark of Kevin Siembeda.

GURPS and TOON are registered trademarks of Steve Jackson Games.

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