by Fugli


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Top Ten Things Your Berserker Would Never Say

10) If this wasn't such a nice inn, I'd kick your ass.

9) Do these boots go with this tunic?

8) Sometimes, I just want to be held.

7) Couldn't we just talk this over? Violence never solved anything.

6) Swords and alcohol don't mix.

5) Gee, I'd like to help you guys hunt down that rogue dragon, but Lance and I are going shopping for curtains this weekend.

4) Thank you (as well as "please", "excuse me", and "so sorry, I would appear to have stabbed you in the stomach with my broad sword").

3) I think mages are the coolest.

2) Wait a minute guys. Maybe we should think this over first.

1) Ewwwww! Blood!

Top Ten Signs You Just Met the Main Bad Guy

10) Your assassin henchman just wet his pants.

9) The ancient red dragon you had just been fighting says "S**t, I'm out of here!" and flies away.

8) The bad guy just laughed evilly, and seven birds fell dead out of the sky.

7) The DM chuckles, and says "I spent seven hours rolling this guy up".

6) The bad guy burps, and a human toe flies out of his mouth.

5) The DM plays a tape of scary organ music, and starts talking like Boris Karloff.

4) The bad guy is dressed all in black, but has one of those little yellow smiley face buttons (DMs can be sooo sarcastic).

3) You point your wand of fire at him, and it melts.

2) The bad guy keeps Elminster in a cage, and occasionally pokes him with a fork.

1) After the battle, the only Player Character to survive is the one that stayed back in town with the flu.

Top Ten Signs You Pissed Off the Villagers

10) The "interesting new stew" you've been served at the inn smells suspiciously like sewage.

9) One ripe apple at the market place costs more than your last spellbook.

8) They're building a gallows outside of your room at the inn. They try to tell you that it's "modern art".

7) One of them asks you for a donation for the "Hire Some Thugs to Kill the Adventurers" fund.

6) Someone glued a spike to your saddle.

5) At bed time, your goose-down pillow explodes. The innkeeper says that the pillow was made from the feathers of very angry geese.

4) People keep providing you with gifts of horses, and maps out of town.

3) The mayor declares a special "Murder of Foreigners is No Longer Illegal" day, in your honor.

2) Arrows keep appearing in the dirt at your feet. Local villagers shake their head, and claim that they are fast-growing weeds.

1) The villagers hire a band of trolls to rid their town of adventurers.


Top Ten Spells That Never Made It

10) Berman's Death-to-the-Caster.

9) Power word, fart.

8) Gelatinous Shell (immediately surrounds the caster in a gelatinous cube).

7) Safe fall (like feather fall, but makes you weigh as much as a 12 ton bank vault).

6) Polymorph Udder (a highly specialized spell which only affects female cattle).

5) Stinking Klaus (summons a fat, smelly German business man, who chases your enemies while eating an Oktoberfest sausage and belching).

4) Magnetskin (a variation of stoneskin - makes the caster's skin magnetic, giving all metallic weapons a +10 bonus to hit).

3) Meatier Swarm (large chunks of ground chuck rain to the ground).

2) Polymorph any Omelet.

1) Fireballs (sets the target's testicles on fire - very effective, but a bit too kinky for TSR).

Top Ten Signs You Play Too Much AD&D

10) Someone says "Why do you have all those numbers tattooed on your hand?", and you reply "Those aren't tattoos, they're die imprints."

9) Your elven fighter has had sex within the last six years - and you haven't.

8) You decide to play a zombie, just so you and your character can have the same skin color.

7) You've been surviving so long on Doritos, Coke, and pizza that your body now contains more plastic than your dice.

6) You can recite, verbatim, every single rule from the DMG.but you can't remember how many kids you have.

5) You sign personal correspondences with your character's name.

4) After months of work, you have made up the entire dwarven language - words, rules of vocabulary, the whole lot. You are bilingual, and can now speak fluid dwarven. Your friends stare at you strangely, and no one will sit on the same side of the table as you.

3) Drug addict and alcoholic friends of yours often stop you to say "Dude, get a grip".

2) Your "If I won the lottery" plans involve creating: (a) a really cool AD&D room, or (b) hiring actors to play monsters so that you and your friends can play AD&D for real.

1) You'd rather get a natural 18 when rolling character statistics than win the lottery.

Top Ten Signs Your DM is Too Easy

10) The red dragon suddenly develops a chest cold, and cannot use it's breath weapon.

9) Your party sneaks into the lich's secret dungeons. Luckily for them, the lich has been born-again, and sent all his undead minions off to do charity work for the poor.

8) The phrase "Oh geez, what do I need with another +5 vorpal longsword" is used during game play.

7) Your cleric is on a first name basis with his god, because of all the times the god has had to pop in to save the cleric's butt.

6) Any major city has at least one "Ressurect-a-matic" on every street corner.

5) All the city's guards are first level, and are easily spooked by the flamefinger cantrip.

4) Bubba the Mighty, the most powerful and evil mage in the world, has a soft spot for fast-talking halflings. Instead of casting meteor swarm and annihilating the party, he decides to teleport away.

3) The party is dividing treasure. The fighter says "Ok, who wants the staff of the magi? Anybody? Anyone at all? Ok, we leave it leaning against a tree stump."

2) The DM uses a four sider to roll monster attacks.

1) The gods in your campaign worship the player characters.

Top Ten Signs Your DM is Too Hard

10) You've been playing for 3 weeks, and have 76 dead characters.

9) You're playing in Darksun, but still only use Method I to roll characters.

8) Your fighter gets a bit tipsy, and pinches the barmaid's bottom. The barmaid pulls out her bow and her arrow of fighter slaying.

7) Your 15th level thief just had the snot kicked out of him by an eight year old girl.

6) There are lethal traps on every latrine door.

5) Most peasants have 20 hit dice, and many know the power word, kill spell.

4) Somehow you've done it. Your party has slain Emberburn, the most fearsome and powerful Red Dragon the DM has ever created. The DM stares at you in shock, still staring down at the "1" he rolled on the dragon's last attack. After poking him in the arm for five minutes, chanting "horde....horde.....horde...." over and over, he looks up at you. The look of surprise fades, and an evil grin replaces it. "As it happens," the DM says with glee, "the dragon had cast project image just before the party entered the cavern...".

3) Your mage has an argument with a local spice merchant. Finally, annoyed to the breaking point, he casts charm on the merchant. Sadly, the merchant is a retired 22nd level elven mage. Shaking your head, you reach for the statistic rolling dice once again...

2) Trees can, and often do, explode in huge, 20d6 hit die fireballs. No explanation is ever offered.

1) Regular rabbits are gone. They have been replaced by the killer-rabbit from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail".

All above from from

Top ten signs your party is in deep trouble

10) the orc leader laughs when he mentions supper

9) on the trip to kill the evil necromancer, the mage forgot his spell components

8) you roll a 19 and miss

7) you roll a 20 and miss :)

6) in the swamp the mosquitoes eat the frogs

5) when asking about the dungeon you were hired to clean out the words "lich" and "his brother" are mentioned

4) you smell brimstone before seeing your patron god

3) the kender in the party says "Whoops!"

2) one word "tarassque"

1) the DM smiles

Top ten best ways to answer, "Isn't roleplaying evil?"

10) Didn't Belzibub enjoy our last game?

9) chant "We drink your blood, we eat your flesh, and swallow your soul!"

8) Now are you talking chaotic evil, or neutral evil?

7) Well, I guess it all depends on how you define evil.

6) Hey, that never came to trial, and my lawyer said never to talk about it, so just lay off.

5) Ever wonder what happened to Mrs. Yauger's cat?

4) Are you telling me you never played nurse patient with your girlfriend?

3) recite act IV, scene I of Macbeth.

2) hide under the table and laugh hysterically

1) Only if you do it right!

The Top Ten Ways to Tell if You are a Lich

By Glon Pan Dovi

10) You get more than dandruff flakes when you scratch your head.

9) The entrance way to your tower has a foot of dust in it, and you didn't sneeze when you cleaned it up.

8) You don't tan anymore, but your skin still flakes, in large chunks.

7) Your eyeballs fell out, and yet you can still see.

6) You stopped getting junk mail.

5) Young kids keep drawing caskets in the sand outside your tower.

4) The nearby city keeps sending priests to 'talk' with you.

3) The great-grandson of your first elven friend comes to visit asking if you can help with old age pains.

2) Your familiar starts avoiding you.

1) You realize you haven't eaten, slept or had a drink in the past decade.

Top Ten Spells Not Worth Memorizing

By Glon Pan Dovi

10) Tasha's Uncontrollable Flatulence

9) Tasha's Uncontrollable Bladder

8) Protection from Elvis, 10' Radius

7) Power Word, Smirk

6) Legend Lore, Extended Dance Mix

5) Invisibility to Inanimate Objects.

4) Hold Self

3) Delayed Blast Flatulence

2) Charm Undead (X rated version)

1) Bigby's Insulting Hand (the second finger is rather prominent)

Top ten new character classes for AD&D I hope to never see

By Glon Pan Dovi

10) Gansta 'Ho

9) The kobold monk

8) The pygmy giant

7) The venusion bung plucker

6) The halfling witch

5) The goblin Paladin

4) The anything from a new tv show class (i.e. highlander, vorlon, power rangers etc...)

3) The money grubbing publisher character class, sadly enough this one is real :(

2) The aboleth acrobat

1) Anything with the word "dragon"

Top ten list: stuff overheard at a local game

By Glon Pan Dovi

10. Its only cheating if the DM catches you

9. My fighter looks just like Leonardo Decaprio

8. What do you mean my 1st level Drow only starts out with 1 +6 vorpal blade of dancing?

7. At what level can I make my character a god?

6. O.K. I use my Eye of Venca to disentagrate him, whew that was lucky that orc almost hit me.

5. I sit with my back to the wall.

4. I just took out a mortgage on my house so I can buy all of those "kits" books.

3. Oh yeah, well my character has/is.........

2. Boy AD&D and Rifts are the best RPG's in the whole wide world (gag me with a rot grub)

1. Its legal, I got it from one of those "kits" books

Top ten list: things you will never hear at a game of AD&D

By Glon Pan Dovi

10. Whoa, your character is more powerful than mine, but I' ok with that.

9. Hi I'm true neutral, and damn near worthless

8. Hey DM dont you think this treasure is a too much, I just dont see why a goblin would have more than one maul of the Titans of dancing and life stealing?

7. Screw you, I get to open the door this time.

6. Damn, hey DM I rolled a Psuedo dragon as my familiar, can I reroll?

5. You know after playing one, Druids really do suck.

4. My Paladin could never do that, it just is against his nature

3. Hey cool my familiar is a toad, just what I always wanted

2. Say why don't we just put these books down and go to a bar and go trolling for chicks?

1. But isnt that kinda like cheating?

My top ten most worthless spells

By Glon Pan Dovi

10. Pee Wees' gripping hand

9. Dispel sphincter

8. Protection from Jehovah's Witnesses

7. Charm dirt (do not confuse dirt with any elemental, just plain old dirt)

6. Spell of "manhood removal" this evil spell is known only to females, i.e. Lorayna Bobbitt

5. Any spell having anything to do with the Spice Girls

4. Shit fire spell (does more harm than good.)

3. Protection from the IRS

2. Summon one really pissed off old badger

1. Phantasmal food

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