by Fugli


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Raven's Nonesuch

[This is actually the text from a skit that I adapted for the Living City interactive at GenCon 2001. It was supposed to be funny, and I guess it was well received, although I wasn't there to see it performed. I made a pdf version of this skit as well.]

The Town Crier spreads the news:

Hear Ye, One and All!

On this most auspicious day in the city of ravens bluff, there will be presented for your entertainment pleasure an encore performance of the Ravens Nonesuch.

Come cheer the Hero, and boo the villain as the Nobility of Procampur show their true mettle.

See Animals battle on the stage amongst their native environments.

Marvel at the splendid costumes.

Presented by our own Ravens Bluff Guild of Bards, and all paid for and provided by the most lovely DeVia Dirkdancer in a philanthropic gesture to her adoring fans.


Characters are to be chosen from the audience without their knowing what they will play or what they are to do. They are dressed and told they must act with vigor on their part when the narrator reads their particular action. They do not get to use props. Since this is a Bard's Guild event, it might easily be used as an audition piece for certain new initiates. Alternately It can be used as a showcase or exhibition of existing talent. Let the players know when and where to be present for the performance, but do not tell them the plot. It is also best to have a list of willing participants with a couple of "understudies" if necessary (one male and one female).

Please select the players with certain qualities in mind. Some situations might be too embarrassing for certain individuals. The audience should laugh with the characters and at their antics, it is cruel to laugh at the players themselves.

These characters all have important parts in the drama, so none can be left out at performance time. The character names have been selected to reflect a farcical street fair performance by Ravens Bluff Bards poking fun at the people of Procampur. As long as the basic character archetypes are kept intact, they could have any names that seem appropriate for the event.

Hero - Rendeth the Thultyrl (Male and able to do a push-up or two)

Heroine - Alissa Wyndsong (Female - and possibly small - see Villain)

Villain - Evil Alamondh the Hamayarch (Male - Needs to carry Heroine for a brief while)

Grandmother (Female)

Dog (Anyone - funnier if male)

Cat (Anyone - funnier if female)

Chair - (Person on hands and knees)

Table - (one or two people on hands and knees)

Narrator - This person is really in charge of the whole show. He or she gives audience directions to hiss the villain and applaud and cheer the hero (but not to over do it or the lines will be lost). This actually works best if one person with a good speaking voice reads the narration while one or two more work the crowd with signs that read "cheer" and/or "boo."

Each character should be introduced at the beginning and given some token as a costume (ie. the dog can have a collar, the Heroine a flower for her hair, the table gets a toothpick). This works well if the characters are just given large name badges or labels as well.

The Play
[Narrator gets their attention first, then starts speaking - please paraphrase if necessary, but many directional lines are funniest if read directly from the script.]

Welcome most honorable sirs and ladies to this our festive nonesuch. May it pleased to be known to you that this production is brought to you today through the good graces of the Ravens Bluff Bards Guild, and the coin of DeVia Dirkdancer, who sadly enough, was called away just moments ago and cannot be here to make the presentation herself. As a showcase for bardic talent, please know this: that none of the actors in our drama have been yet appraised of the part which they will play. We call upon them now knowing that they will embrace their roles with vigor as they demonstrate their uncanny knack and flair for things dramatic.

Please welcome to our stage...

[introduce each person and the character they will be playing in order listed above. Give each character their "costume" at this time as well, letting the audience know that no expenses have been spared in the wardrobing of this production.]

Now for our play, I will ask all the actors save our Heroine to clear the stage.

[Once cleared, start the narration, pausing when appropriate.]

• As our story opens, we find ourselves in a densely wooded forest when lovely Alissa Wyndsong is picking wild blackberries while whistling a merry tune. [Stop so Alissa can whistle.] Unbeknownst to her, the evil Hamayarch, Rendeth, is creeping up behind her. He grabs her and tries to steal a kiss. [Wait for Rendeth to grab Alissa, and wait for Alissa to struggle, etc.]

• She screams loud and long.

• The villain covers her mouth with his hands, as she screams.

• She slaps the villain in the face.

• He picks her up over his shoulder and carries her.

• She screams and beats him.

• He marches around in a circle three times, then heads for home to steal her Grandmother's money.

• They exit.

• Meanwhile... Back at the ranch, Alissa's Grandmother is sitting on a chair, stirring some cake batter on the table.

• The cat is sleeping underneath the table.

• The old dog, Shep, enters the house and barks at the cat.

• The cat jumps on grandmother's lap.

• Grandmother slaps the cat and says, "get down, you dirty creature."

• The cat jumps down and runs outside.

• The dog comes over and licks Grandma's hand.

• He keeps licking her hand all the way up to the elbow.

• Grandma kicks the dog.

• The dog goes and lies in a corner.

• Just then, the villain enters the room with Alissa on his shoulder.

• Grandmother screams.

• The villain says, "I am taking Alissa and your money."

• The dog rushes over and bites the villain on the leg.

• The villain kicks the dog and lets Alissa down.

• Alissa faints onto the floor.

• The dog barks at the villain, then goes over and starts licking Alissa's face to revive her.

• He licks her face for 15 seconds while she remains perfectly still.

• Just then, our hero, Rendeth, enters and shouts, "Forsooth and anon!"

• Alissa stands up and screams, "Oh, my darling Rendeth!"

• Rendeth and Alissa embrace.

• Rendeth says, "I love you my precious."

• Alissa says, "I love you my little lotus blossom."

• All of a sudden the villain picks up the chair and throws it at Rendeth.

• It knocks Rendeth to the floor.

• Alissa faints and falls onto the table.

• Grandmother tries to revive her by slapping her hand, while sobbing, "My child, my child." This goes on and on...

• The cat reenters the house, jumps on the chair and runs underneath the table.

• Rendeth stands up and begins flexing his muscles.

• The villain begins to tremble and shake and his knees knock together. This goes on and on...

• Rendeth decides to warm up for the fight so he does a few exercises by starting out with 10 jumping jacks. Then he runs in place for 15 seconds.

• All this while, Grandmother is sobbing and slapping, the villain is trembling, the dog is barking and the cat is mewing.

• Then Rendeth does 15 pushups.

• On the 15th pushup, the villain seizes the opportunity and hits Rendeth on the head.

• Rendeth falls to the floor, unconscious.

• Just then, the cat scratches the dog's nose.

• The dog and cat have a fight (right on top of Rendeth) for 10 seconds.

• Then the dog chases the cat outside.

• Just then, the table collapses under Alissa's weight and falls to the ground... table, Alissa, Grandmother and all.

• Alissa remains unconscious.

• Granny shouts, "you nasty villain!" and starts hitting him in the stomach.

• The villain doubles over.

• Granny then goes around and kicks him in the seat.

• The villain straightens up.

• She hits him some more in the stomach over and over.

• The villain again bends over.

• She gives him a rabbit punch on the back of the neck.

• He collapses unconscious to the floor.

• Granny looks around at the three unconscious bodies on the floor.

• She straightens her Shawl around her head and heads for the door for a night on the town saying , "All's well, that ends well."

We of the Bards Guild thank you for your patronage of this production. If you would like to see more talent of this magnitude, please visit the productions of our members throughout the town, possibly shunning all ne'er do well thespians who do not grace our halls. And now I give you one last time...

Curtain Call

[You may wish to list the characters again in reverse order as they bow or curtsy and exit.]

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