by Fugli


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Medieval Pick-Up Lines

Bodger & Grift Medieval Pick-Up Lines

1. You're the only man I want in my turret. -- Angie Bell

2. Good Sir, thou hast made my tallow melt. -- Angie Bell

3. Is that a warhorse you're mounted on, Sir Knight? Or have you got elephantitis? -- Angie Bell (Grift says its definitely a warhorse!)

4. Milady, my tent is a little unstable. Wouldst thou come inside and check on my pole? -- Paul Whalen

5. You've broken down my battlements and laid siege to my heart. -- A. Donis (Watch out for hot oil and Trojan horses!)

6. Unhand me, milady. I said grab my baldrick, not my. . . -- A. Donis

7. You must be a skilled archer, my lady, as you have sent your arrow straight into my heart. -- Jack W (I think Jack's in need of immediate medicalattention!)

8. Can I draw my sword across your wet stone? -- Jack W

9. I'm half man, half dragon, you know. Would you like to see my big red. . .feet? -- Jack W (Do dragon have feet?)

10. Get rid of the old hag and let's party. -- Jason Chosak (Let's hope the old hag in question isn't the fair maiden's mother!)

11. Fear not, madam. My plate mail is fitted with a quick-release mechanism for just such eventualities... -- Matt Denault (Haven't we all been in thatsituation!)

12. Would you like to play with my monkey, wench? -- Sara Schonburg (It's a grower!)

13. Lady, were we in Rorn, I could have your burned as a witch for mesmerizing me the way you do! -- Matt Denault (Okay, I admit it: the only reason Iput this one up is because Matt mentioned the word Rorn)

15. Milady, my torch burns for you. Just one smile is fuel enough to cause a blaze. -- Robert Zahn (Oh dear. This one is just too romantic. Sniff)

16. Say, baby, I may be no Fred Flintstone, but I'd sure like to make your bedrock. -- Chris Rowe (Strictly speaking this is a Stoneage pick-up line, not aMedieval one, but we like it! So there!)

17. I spent the last three years in a cloister! -- Cathe the Mad (Grift likes this one. He wonders if Cathe still has her nun's outfit handy?)

19. I spend most of my spare time embroidering. Would you like to see what I've done to my petticoats? -- Cathe the Mad

20. It appears we've strayed from the road milady....the best thing to do would be to find a sheltered spot and snuggle up for warmth. -- Cathe the Mad(Grift likes the sound of Cathe a lot!)

21. Would you like to try on my coat of arms? -- Andrew Laska (Is it just me, or are you waiting for the second half of this one, too?)

22. I like the look of your Rosy Crucians. -- Pete (A real groaner!)

23. Tell me, did the blacksmith charge more for the extra metal required for your breastplate? -- Matt Denault

24. Avaast ye there wench and prepare to be boarded!-- James Coppedge (I can almost smell the seaspray!)

25. Milady, the size of a man's dagger is not what counts. It's the number of people that it sticks! -- James the Boastful (Grift would like to remind Jamesthat he should be focusing on quality rather than quantity!)

26. Milady, I do believe you have caused me to invent the first firearm! -- Jose Changro

27. My what a big lance you have!!! -- Princess Lisa Orr (Grift advises me that this old chestnut would definitely work on him! Flattery never goes out offashion.)

28. Milady, thou art more lovelier than the gods' sweet nectar...might I have a taste? -- Anonymous

29. Dear lady, thy eyes are prettier than the stars, yet like the stars, are out of my reach. I am a man, and thou art a goddess. For me to even gaze upon thyendless beauty, milady, is more than I am worthy of. -- Anonymous

30. Such comely armor m'lord, but methinks 'twould look better on my floor.(This is adapted from pick-up lines guys have used on me!!). -- Erica Clarkson

31. Milady, I have but a few words for you. Listen carefully: +5 Jeweled Condom. -- Black Wrath

32. I would stand in battle with eighty heavy horse, slay ten dragons with breath of fire, I would build a tower with golden spire, if thou would grant mesweet desire. -- Drew (Sniff! Oh dear. This is one of those pesky romantic ones again)

33. Why, yes I'm a Norman. Would you like me to invade you? -- Justin A. Finnegan

34. What's a nice girl like you doing in a mead hall like this? -- Justin A. Finnegan

35. I'm from Sherwood, can I see your forest? -- Justin A. Finnegan

36. My name is Little John, but after looking at you, I just might change it. -- Justin A. Finnegan (Grift thinks he could learn a few tricks from Justin!)

37. Verily, I never been unhorsed while jousting; for even should I miss with my lance, I possess certain does the job nearly as well.-- Matt Denault (A shortsword perhaps?)

38. My dear lass, you could straighten the curve in my cross bow? -- Lenny Frieling

39. M'lady, you and I could speed up evolution by reproducing. It's for the good of the kingdom!! -- Lenny Frieling (This is a good one! It appeals to theMother Nature in all of us!)

40. Hey baby, you can drain my moat anytime! -- Lenny Frieling (Lenny deserves a prize for this trio. Let's have a whip-round and send him one!)

41. Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to bed we go. -- Sarah Flewelling (Yes, this one was actually used on Sarah!)

42. Nay, in all my art I can not conjure a creature as beautiful as you. It wouldn't have a heart, and without your heart what would there be to make loveto? -- Xerxes (Grift has coined a special phrase for this one: it's a melter! Guaranteed to melt the heart of any fair maiden.)

43. M'lady, do you sleep on your stomach? Can I? -- Jon

44. M'lady, how about some spiced apples and a romp in the hay? What's wrong. . . don't like apples? -- Jon

45. Madam I must say you're ugly. . .but you interest me -- Jon (he he he. We like Jon's lines a lot!)

46. My pike has won me many battles. Doth thou wish to see it? -- Chris Umbreit (Having reflected at length on Chris' fine offer, I have decided to decline!)

47. Would you like to try out my Staff Of Power? -- Joshua Burnett (please refer to previous comment!)

48. I needeth not a lance to joust with I carry my own. -- Soulburn (If I hear the word "lance" one more time I swear I will scream!)

49. (Whispering) You think that's big... The rest of it's stored in my Bag of Holding. -- Black Wrath

50. See? You just stick it in, yes, just like that. Then you twist it around, very good, but don't forget to shove it in and out a few times, yes, that's VERYgood. Boy, you're a quick learner! And you said you could never learn to use a pike. -- Kelly McClanahan

51. Fair Maiden, I have slain fearsome dragons, conquered mighty enemies, and braved unspeakable terrors, but next to a mere fleeting moment basking inthine angelic presence, these triumphs pale such as to disgrace my honor. Dear Lady, withst thus save my honor and grant thy heavenly companionship tome? -- Mark J. (Who could turn him down?)

52. Och, lass, do you care to see the real Loch Ness monster? -- South (Too late, already seen Nessie myself!)

53. May I offer thou a castle? -- Sir Phillip (As short as this one is I have a feeling it would work on the right girl!)

54. They don't call me Long John for nothing, you know. -- Mark S

55. I'd drink a thousand moats dry just to get one look at your lovely face. -- Pete (Looks like Pete might be in need of a long john all his own!)

56. You can turn my spit any day. -- Jason Chosak (Watch out for scorched sweetmeats!)

57. Don't blame it on the moonlight, don't blame it on the good times, blame it on the tourney. -- Cert (Is it just me, or is anyone else having a 70'sflashback right about now?)

58. Why don't you come back to my castle and be my faithful steed for the night -- Robert Stayner

59. Wouldn't you just love to have another belt in your notch? -- Ashlyn (Grift says: yes. And where might he contact you?)

60. My lady, you've got the best child-bearing hips I've ever seen. Can I buy you a pint? (actually used on me at a Ren fest in Texas. I was in belly dancinggarb) -- Silona

61. Would you like to come and wield my two-handed sword, milady? -- Tree, High Paladin of Blarg

62. Yes, that was a good hanging wasn't it? Of course, if come to my place, I can show you something that's really well hung. -- The Poet (It seems as if weare going through a particularly bad patch here!)

63. Milady, didst thou know that the human body is made up of seven tenths water? Verily I am might thirsty... -- Ben "el tiburrn" Knorr

64. Perhaps, oh fairest maiden, you would allow me to quote a few verses of Boccacio to you, privately? -- Samildanch the Giant (Grift doesn't understandthis one. He has a vague feeling that Boccacio might be Italian bread!)

65. You melt the metal in my armor. -- Bob (Watch out for nasty skin burns, Bob!)

66. Have you ever spit shined a lance? -- Naes Eknif (Not personally, no.)

67. Would'st thou help to string me longbow, milady? -- Anonymous (Yes, but you have to wax it first to make it more pliable!)

68. Greetings and Salutations young lass...I'm a knight you know... and I'm not that bad in the morning either! -- Gregory M. Ledet (Grift is not a morningperson. So he doesn't care for this one much!)

69. Your armor is so shiny, I can see myself in your pants!!! -- Jeff Metcalf (I don't know what it is about this one, but it made everyone here laugh!)

70. Prithee, may I take ye behind the mead hall and check ye for ticks? -- Erica Clarkson (Both Bodger & Grift like this one a lot! Erica would have tospend a whole day de-lousing Bodger!)

71. Do you have any elf in you? Would you like some? -- Joshua Burnett

72. Dost thou believe in love at first sight, or shouldst I walk past again? -- Dagon (Oh, Dagon. Very clever. Everyone here thinks this one is a real winner!)

73. Do you think you could find my armor in your land of treasuries...where the greatest treasure of them all undoubtedly is the queen? -- Christian Liberg

75. Would you believe me if I told you I'm an angel and God sent me down here on a special mission just to give you a kiss? -- Alex Carroll (Anothermelter. Sigh!)

76. I have faced powerful spirits, magical beasts, and evil men, but 'twas your eyes, milady, which finally smote me." -- Al (You don't here the word"smote" nearly enough these days!)

77. f you will take me back to your chambers, Milady, I will show you how us soldiers can stand at attention all night. -- Jeremy (Wisely, Jeremy chose notto leave his surname!)

78. Conquest of any foreign land pales in comparison to the conquest of thine heart, Milady. -- Matt Clemans

79. Desire burns in my breast for you, hotter than any dragon's fire. -- Matt Clemans (Two melters in a row!)

80. Pardon me but I seem to have dropped something under your gown. -- Dave Brush (I haven't got a clue what this one's about. But I pass it alonganyway in the hope of doing a greater good!)

81. Milady, there's enough room in my armor for the both of us. -- Don Langguth

82. I've spent the last five years locked in a tower. Would you please welcome me home? -- Don Langguth (Aah. This one is sad)

83. Sweet lady, I'm going off to the Crusades tomorrow. Mayhap you'd like to carry my spear tonight? -- Dark God

84. My dear lady, thou art the loveliest creature that God hath ever had the generosity to put on our poor, beleaguered world. Thy radiance far outshinesthat of the sun, moon, and all the stars in the night sky. Now grab your ankles. -- Dark God (Ug!)

85. License my roving hands, and let them go/Before, behind, between, above, below. -- Daniel A. Ford (John Donne? This guy has out the heavy ammo!Ladies beware!)

86. I'd slay a thousand dragons for one night with you...but since theydon't exist we can skip that little formality. -- Matthew Velonis

87. Oh, look Milady! A frog! Go over there, bend over and kiss it. I'll be right behind you. -- Edward Ueno

88. My Sweet, let me take you for a magic carpet ride. The carpet may not go anywhere but I doubt you'll notice. -- Lord of Mike (Grift says he's allergicto carpet fibers so this one definitely wouldn't work on him!)

89. So what if I wears a dress? I used to wear kilts as a boy, but I outgrew 'em! -- South (South advises me that that the film Braveheart was the inspirationbehind this one!)

90. It's the longest bow that shoots the furthest arrows. -- Pete

91. Voulez vous 'Bouncy-Bouncy' dans ma tete? -- Bod Of the White Company (I'm not even sure if that's French, let alone Medieval!)

92. Yeah, other men might slay dragons. But I've got bags of loot. -- Pete (A man of few words, Pete!)

93. Pardon me, madam, but your beauty as caused an involuntary lowering of my drawbridge. If I show you where the handle is can you crank it back up?-- Mister Carr

94. My apologies, madam. When you said you needed hot oil I naturally assumed you meant for a massage! -- Mister Carr

95. Tar and feather me? Well I'm game, but d'you mind if we get to know each other a bit first? -- Mister Carr

96. Will you meet me in the courtyard at midnight? I'd like to see who's the most beautiful: you or the moonlight. -- James Grawling (A melter!)

97. Let me tell you a tale of the holy grail. -- Min Stalsitz (Short. I like that in a line!)

98. So you're the lady of the lake? Well don't be surprised if I go fishing some time son. -- Sir Fitzie

99. Camelot? Well now that you mention it, I did -- Sir Fitzie

100. Come with me out onto the battlements, and let's begin a journey of the lifetime with one small, unassuming step. -- Andrea S (Thank you, Andrea, forraising the quality on the very last line!)

Bodger & Grift Reader's Pick Up Lines

1.That's a nice chastity belt you're wearing. My blacksmith friends and I can help you out of it. -- Matt Williams

2.Honest, milady, it will help clear up the pox marks. -- Matt Williams (Matt Williams gets a special mention for sheer quantity of lines he sent!)

3.Is that a knife in you're armor? Or are you just happy to see me? -- Mary Price

4.Hey baby, King Arthur isn't the only one with a big round thing. How 'bout coming up and waxing mine? -- Camelot Comedian

5.Looks like my dragon has finally found a nice cave to rest in. -- Alexei Kambalov

6.Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you? -- Kevin Conlon

7.It's not the size of your sword but what you can do with it. -- Michael Dempsey

8.Been there, slain that. -- Gabe

9.Your hovel or mine? -- Gabe

10.Pestilence makes the heart go wander. -- Gabe (I like Gabe's lines a lot, but he never left a proper e-mail address for me to contact him.)

11.How'd you like to ride my stallion? He's well trained for battle! -- Cathy Lytton

12.Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my longsword in action? -- Ron Conti (I like this one. It's very polite!)

13.Every second of every our of every day is like a thousand knives of fire stabbing me in the heart. I long for thee incessantly, so much that mine sorrow seems without surcease. My alliteration is small comfort next to the warm gaze of thine azure eyes. I carve the comfort of thine embrace like some lost child cold and alone in the dark....So, you wanna !@£$% -- Paul Pieper (A true romantic)

14.You wanna go upstairs and see my Holy Grail? -- Jim Crazinazi

15.I like the cut of your jib. -- Jean Norris (This is one of my faves)

16.My goat bite is no longer infected, so would you like to dance? -- Murphy

17.If I were that horse, I'd rather you mounted me without the saddle. -- Todd & Annai

18.How about going out with a guy who doesn't have the plague for a change? -- Pipkins

19.Wizard: You know, my hat isn't the on ly thing that's pointed. -- Kelly McClanahan (This one made me giggle)

20.Mlle. Darc, thy breastplate is wondrous! Wouldst thou hold my polearm whilst I attempt to light thy fire? -- Robert Hampton (Robert was canny enough to compliment the judge and so is in with a very good chance of winning something!)

21.Do you practice safe hex? -- anon. (I don't know who sent me this one, but I liked it. So there)

22.You look like a maiden in distress, why don't I save you? -- Mark Hill

23.Oh yea baby- black plague, leprosy, or scarlet fever- honey, I've got the cure for you. -- Justin Folk

24.You is know that chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor. -- Justin Folk

25.I had to swim the moat to get to you fair maiden. So, would you like to see my breaststroke? -- Daniel Ransom (This is one of Grift's favorites!)

26.I bet you would look nice in some maternity armor. -- Jay Orr (Interesting visual image.)

27.Wench: what's that sound? Knight: that's just the sound of my chain mail drawers expanding. -- Will Durman (This one made everyone giggle.)

28.You hit on me harder than the black plague! -- Jen Costello

29.Why storm the castle when we can make our own? -- Matt Jachalke (sigh)

30.The first time I saw thee, I felt as if my stomach had been raided by beautiful fire breathing dragons. a nice way of course. -- Graeme Jack (double sigh - we need more romantics like Graeme and Matt)

31.Excuse me, Milady, would you have a place where I may sheath my longsword? -- Heather Wormer

32.Why don't we go back to my place and re-enact "The Miller's Tale?" -- Michelle Fonvielle (Leave it to a woman to come up with some intelligent pick-up lines!)

33.You won't believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you...the fate of England depends is on it!! -- Michelle Fonvielle (Grift has advised me

that this one would definitely work on him!)

34.Ever see a passion play? Would you like to? -- Michelle Fonvielle

35.I most certainly am King in bed! Shall I prove it to you? -- Jason Pepling

36.So...been to any good hangings lately? -- Jason Pepling

37.Don't worry . . . if you kiss me, I won't turn into a frog. -- Suzanne

38."Why, I once speared 10 of them with a single thrust." -- Suzanne

39.Don't believe the rumors you heard about me . . . the Bubonic plague didn't affect the important parts. -- Suzanne (The guys here demand to know what parts they are exactly?)

40.Like a mare, I can be ridden for hours. -- Heather McMaster (I can tell you now, the guys here like the sound of Heather and Suzanne a lot!)

41.They say a knight is always as hard as his armor. -- Heather McMaster

42.I hath done combat with many a beast, but I must confess that was the tightest situation I have ever been in. -- Drake. (Love the Drake!)

43.How, you ask, did I get up here to your balcony? Well, I espied you from yonder garden. In an instant my er, heart was swelled with lus.. er, love. I had to meet you! So I ranneth over but tripped on a stone thusly pole-vaulting into your arms. -- Peter Graylish (Peter haileth from the same hometown as the judge so be warned: expect favoritism!)

44.If the stars in the sky were as beautiful as the eyes on thee, then they'd be really pretty. -- Nate & EJ (All together now: Aah)

45.Milady you can ride my horse. I must tell you, he's a wild one! -- KT (I think this one needs work!)

46.Would thoust be interested in viewing mine buttshaft? -- Geoff Hineman (I don't think so, but mighty attractive offer!)

47.I've been VERY NAUGHTY. You'll have to put me in the stocks PUNISH me, now won't you? -- Anastasia of Edmond (I bet Anastasia is very popular at parties!)

48.If quietus you make, I'll bare my bodkin for you. -- Mark (Paraphrasing the Bard works for me!)

49.C'mon, sweetie...Didn't your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day keeps the black plague away. -- Jason Pepling (again!)

50.I'd rather be beheaded than be denied a date with you. -- JDW

51.Sword fighting is like _everything_ else : it's all in your thrust. -- Jamie Vernon

52.I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I'm walking on! -- Jason (no comment!)

53.Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes disappear? -- Andy Corvin

54.I'm really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex with frogs? -- Florante Navarro Jr.

55.No, I'm actually a wizard. Want to see my crystal balls? -- Florante Navarro Jr.

56.Darling, these Trojans are rather painful...We may need some oil for this armor. -- Demitri Gregorivich

57.I might have lost most of my limbs in battle but I've still got one left. -- Hamish Campbell

58.You look like a maiden in distress, why don't I save you? -- Mark Hill (See - the classics still work!)

59.Hey, baby, wanna chain my mail? -- Andrew Meyers (Silly, but good)

60.My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out of it. -- Dennis Bazell

61.What a fine gown you wear, my lady. Perchance couldst I talk you out of it? -- Matt Kuzma (Is it just me, or do these seem to be getting a teeny bit repetitive?)

62.I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit? -- Viktor

63.You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Rupunnzel. Only it wasn't my hair that the queen asked me to let down. -- S.P.R. (This one is a grower!)

64.A day just wouldn't be complete without a Knight. -- S.P.R (Never a truer word was said)

65.Milady, I'll be your night in shining armor. -- Tom (Having received about a hundred comments based around the line "is that a sword in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" I really appreciate the sweet ones)

66.Like Marcellus Wallace, I wanna get Medieval or your ass! -- Tom (Mmm...and here's Tom again ruining my fragile illusions of sweetness.)

67.How about coming around the back and giving me a good reason to come back from the crusades? -- Chip Chakraborty

68.You know... I got my armor in Extra-Large just so I could fit the both of us in here. What do you say? -- Jason Pepling

69.The inquisitor: So, witch...up to you. Either you burn at the stake...or I use my stake to make you burn. -- Linda (Ouch! Painful)

70.I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m'lady. -- Pete

71.I joust love you, baby! -- Pete (This scored very highly on the groan-ometer)

72.Hey, milady,if you think that horse is gifted... -- Gen (Glen picked exactly the right spot to cut this one off!)

73.What say ye we have our own Norman conquest, lass? -- White Chapel

74.Come up to my chamber and I'll show you the largest treasure in the land. -- David Gray

75.Say, Princess, I'm very good at poking people with long pointy objects. -- Dick Parker (Cattle prods, perhaps?)

76.And you thought the Romans had the only impressive aqueducts. -- DeVore (DeVore gets a special mention for being the first person to use the word "aqueduct" in his pick-up line. Well done!)

77.Milady, I heard that you were a chirogeon, I have something you can drain. -- Alexis

78.You can place your greeves under my pallet anytime. -- Joel Adams (The quality of these last entries is getting a little too high. Can't have these guys putting the rest of us to shame now,

can we?)

79.Paint on your shield "Smile if you want to sleep with me" and watch the wenches try to keep straight faces. -- Brian (Aah..we're back to being silly again. Phew!)

80.Hey, big boy, how would you like to help this maiden out of dis-dress? -- E. Swift (A true classic. This one would have won a prize if it had come in a week earlier!)

81.Wanna polish my pike? -- Trish (Trish is obviously a no-nonsense kinda girl!)

82.Ello, milady, thou art under siege. I shall scale thy battlements with mine grappling hook! -- Claudio Gilberg

84.Your beauty has scorched a hole into my heart as fast as a dragon in the mote. -- Browneyes. (Sigh. This one is just too romantic)

85.My Lady, dost thou possess a looking glass in thine bodice? For I may surely see myself within their folds. -- Sir Thomas (Sir to you and me)

86.Iain Rannoch: May I carry that for you M'Lady? (Lost north of Sea March, Trimaris) -- Xavier Campbell(I don't understand this one, but I have a feeling it's good)

87.Might I borrow a scroll? (Might I ask, what for?) I must write home to my mother at once and tell her I have met the maiden of my dreams! -- Joan (You old romantic, you!)

88.Has anyone ever told you that you have a lovely wimple? -- Ron Hanks

89.I'm from Nurenberg, but I'm a master at more than singing. -- Ron Hanks

90.May I show you a fascinating Saracaen ritual I learned while hiding in a harem after Hattin? -- Ron Hanks (A thoroughly moat-rippling trio!)

91.I would wish a manly broadsword, not a pen-knife such as yours (from a song) -- The Donald. (Nah. It couldn't be...)

92.Hey wench the rodent in my pocket wants to eat at your cheeze. -- Paul Victor (I think Paul's Medieval spelling of cheese is truly inspired!)

93.I am beset by this dragon in my loins, Dear Lady, and only you can quench its fire! -- Don Olson (I'm a sucker for anyone calling me "Dear Lady")

94.Oh, my sweet Knight! For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me. -- SPR (Double sigh. This is far too romantic for me...I'm going to have to bring out the Kleenex)

95.Where am I from, milady? Nantucket of course!! Shall I prove it to you? -- David Michaels (I probably don't know Nantucket as well as I should, as this line goes right over my head)

96.A world without day is gloomy indeed, but a world without Knight would be pure misery. -- Trevor

97.Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within. -- Brendan (A wise man)

98.Hey, does this look infected to you? -- Jeff Chasteen (A contagious man)

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