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1. The Real Man - "Hot Diggity!! Gnoll outpost at twelve o'clock!! CHAAAARGE!!!"
2. The Real Roleplayer - "Don't start yet!! I need my two minutes to get properly into character."
3. The Loonie - "I sheathe my longsword and kiss the ogre on the lips."
4. The Munchkin - "Five arch-devils and two demigods? That's ALL?! I guess I'll only need to use six of my rings for this encounter."
5. The Coward - "Yikes! Three kobolds!! Retreat! Retreat!"
6. The Troublemaker - "Just before the Mayor gives his speech to the town, I cast command - vomit on him."
7. The Novice - "I just rolled a 2 on my `to hit' roll. Did I want high or low?"
8. The Tactician - "The archer will move silently into position behind the podium, carefully aiming at the sergeant. The mage will remain behind the door in preparation of a sleep spell which will be centered at the table around which are the bulk of the guards.Meanwhile, the fighter and I . . ."
9. The Quiet Type - "I dunno . . . I lob off another arrow at the monster this round, I guess."
10. The Punster - "You know how many clerics it takes to fix a light bulb? One to cast cure light."
11. The PC Infighter - "Since Ruth's been such a twit, I hit her in the face with my flail while she's casting her find familiar spell."
12. Joe I-Got-the-Rules-Down-Pat - "No, if you look in the DMG, page 87, paragraph 5, you'll find this spell won't affect griffons."
13. The Whiner - "Three points?! I take THREE POINTS OF DAMAGE!?! Frank, what kind of grudge do you have against me?"
14. The Bully - "Are you sure I don't make my saving throw? Are you ABSOLUTELY sure? Do you want to keep your nose the way it is, Lou?"
15. Mr. Greedy - "So it's not evil? And it's not attacking? So what! I WANT THAT XP!!!!"
16. The Cheater - "I roll an... 18! It hits!" [Quickly grabs dice.]
17. The Chastiser - "And you DIDN'T SEE THAT TRAP COMING? Hahahaha!! Just how long did you say you've been playing this game?"
18. The Kamikaze Guy - "I jump off our perch, taking careful aim to land dead center on the hobgoblin patrol. Just before I hit the ground, though, I set off the fire trap on all my nine flasks of oil."
19. The Good Roller - "Oh, looky here. An 03 on percentile dice. If that door was trapped, I just found something."
20. The Bad Roller - "Oh, darn it all!! *Another* critical fumble!!"
21. The Braggart - "The thought of you attacking me isn't even interesting. I could get off a sleep spell and slit your unconscious throat before you even get your longsword out of its sheath."
22. The Reminiscer - "Say, y'know, this is like the time our party thief spent twenty minutes trying to lock-pick an unlocked door."
23. Goody Two-Shoes - "Wait a minute. Even if they are orcs, we just can't kill them when they're asleep and can't defend themselves."
24. The Overoptimistic Daydreamer - "After we get through this campaign, and have gained about nine, ten levels, I'm going to buy me the finest battle axe +3 money can buy."
25. Short-Attention-Span Man - "Hmmm? What? Are we attacking now?"
By Keith Griffiths
Plumage: Usually grey, has an incredible ability to blend into the background.
Call: Hardly any. Can sit through an entire game and barely make a sound.
Season: A hardy-annual, never migrates and turns up to every session without fail. I have no idea why.
Habits: Tends to sit, quietly reading the game manuals. Possesses an unmistakeable ability to manipulate probability. The more critical the moment the more appaling the role.
Has anybody else come across this strange creature. From my experiences, most groups have one? What should be done about them? Where do they come from? Have they been especially trained just to drive me nuts!?
THE CELTIC ELF
Usually plays only in the fantasy genre, where it is possible to have either an Elf or a Druid PC (or best of all an Elf Druid, of course). Much of the game is spent decorating the character sheet with La Tene knotwork or filling the other side of the paper with poems by WB Yeats et al. Characters are often given unpronounceable Gaelic names. Sometimes the player even changes his or her own name into something unpronounceable and Gaelic.
Another fantasy genre addict who always wants to be like Conan. All the player's PCs carry an axe etc. etc. The game is mainly about fighting for the Barbarian. Well, actually, the game is entirely about fighting for the Barbarian. All of them own an infinite supply of Iron Maiden T-shirts. The Barbarian's only ambition is one day to roll a D&D character with 18/00 strength. When transferred to sci-fi games or similar the Barbarian becomes similar to ...
THE PSYCHOPATHIC WEAPONS FREAK
Those people you hear about on the news who've been arrested (or even shot) and own huge collections of replica (or even real) guns . . . have you ever been reminded of someone you played an RPG with? They're out there. They come to a game with a bag full of survivalist magazines. They know the technical ins and outs of muzzle-breaks, SUSAT sights and Depleted Uranium Core rounds, and they can discuss the merits of the H&K MP5-K over the Ingram MAC-10. PWFs like to play Traveller best because that way they may get to own an FGMP-15 of their very own. If it moves, shoot it. If it doesn't move, shoot it, in case it was thinking about moving. In a fantasy game, the PWF always tries to use poison.
THE T.V. ROLEPLAYER
No, not someone tries to recreate Bianca from Eastenders in a game of GURPS: this is an adolescent male gamer who tends to play female characters - and these PCs are not terribly PC, since they almost always end up as chainmail bikini clad houris with so many "conquests" the Celtic Elf (above) may mistake their bedpost notches for an Ogham inscription. "I bet he hasn't got a girlfriend", other players whisper as the T.V. Roleplayer shows the GM his latest Spice Girl-with-a-blaster creation ...
THE NUCLEAR NERD
The Nuclear Nerd generally conforms to the media stereotype of a typical roleplayer/trainspotter; physically small and bespectacled with greasy hair. The Nuclear Nerd is most at home in the cyberpunk or sci-fi game, because they have nuclear bombs and missiles in them. Nuclear Nerds are often referees, and you know that at some point the game will feature radiation sickness described in gory detail or else a very large atomic explosion. In a fantasy game, they become confused and disorientated, forever talking about the physics involved in a Fireball spell, what chemical reactions must occur in a dragon's lungs and, of course, how to use magic to produce a fusion reaction and cause an atomic explosion.
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